Tag Archives: teen advice column

Our Place Out Loud

Our Place: Teen Advice

by Louise Palanker

I host a safe and friendly teen social network/ios app called Our Place where kids the world over gather to share in the joy and confusion of growing up. I personally respond to 15- 20 questions per day in a teen advice column called Ask Weezy.  Here are this week’s top five questions:

Question 1
My parents never ever trust me and they always say I am lying. Plus whenever there is trouble they always blame me without any proof and 4/5 times it was not my fault. How do I get them to trust me ? Plz help.

Weezy

Make it five out of five times that it’s not your fault. Keep a pristine record going for a month and see how that changes their outlook.

Never raise your voice or roll your eyes or stomp out of a room. Be respectful. Trust must be earned. I know it’s hard because kids mess up, but your attitude is so much of this. Show respect and you will receive it.

Did you know that in a court trial, the jury is told that if they catch a witness in one lie, they have the right to not believe any of that witness’s testimony? It’s pretty much the same deal with parents and kids. You are telling me that 20% of the time it IS your fault or that you are lying. I wouldn’t believe you either.

Wipe the slate. Start fresh. Become an honorable person and trust will be yours.

 

The conversation springs to life each week on Our Place Out Loud

Question 2

Hi weezy, If u masturbate does that mean you lost your virginity?

Weezy
No. No. and NO. Loosing your virginity involves sexual contact between you and another person.

Question 3
Hi weezy, so I like this guy who is on vacation for two months. Before he left, he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend and I said yes and he said he will officially ask me in September when he comes back. He told me he loves me and all that but he talks to another girl on Snapchat and they seem into each other.

How should I confront him? He comes back in 23 days and I really want to know now if he’s cheating on me. I can’t wait till I see him face to face. Do you think I should mention it in text? Because it has been bugging me for a couple of days. And if yes, how do I bring it up? Like how do I say it indirectly?

Weezy
Texting is for fun and for specific information: addresses, dates, times, “I’ll be there in 10 mins,” etc. It is not for intense conversations. You can phone him and say, “I’m just worried about your friendship with Veronica,” or you can wait until you are face to face. If you get into this via text, it will not end well.

That girl may like him more than he likes her. He may have been into her once but now he’s into you. We just don’t know.

I understand that 23 days feels like forever, but patience is your friend. Modern technology has tricked us into believing that we can have whatever we want whenever we want it. But that’s an illusion. Because what we really want is meaningful connections with other people. You can not achieve that via text. Wait.

Question 4
I’m 15 and a sophomore in high school. Long story short I went to a party, got wasted and ended up having intercourse with my 23 year old brother’s best friend! I figured out this morning that I am indeed pregnant. I screamed and cried for hours and my parents will be home in an hour or so. What do I tell them? What do I tell my brother’s friend?? Please help me!

Weezy
Start by telling your parents. They will be very alarmed, so brace yourself. But remember that although you made some bad choices, you are still the victim here. A 23 year old has no business taking advantage of an intoxicated 15 year old.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Tell your parents immediately. You are still a child. You need to be nurtured and protected through this next chapter. There will be tears and this is not going to be easy. But let the grown ups step in and help you through it all.

Question 5
Weezy I’m 14 and I’m very inscure about my large Breast size. My friends all think it’s great and tell me that it’s a blessing.  But it bothers me that I look in the mirror every day to see something that is just uncomfortable and doesn’t even fit my personality or my body.

I always see People staring and it really frustrates me. I tell them it’s really annoying but it keeps happening. How am I blessed with something that’s so painful, heavy, and big that I can’t even stand it?

I told my mom this and she just says I should be happy and feel blessed but I don’t. No 14 year old should have a DD bra size or have to deal with them and learn to fit into stuff at this age.  It’s just not right. (sorry for rambling on)

Weezy
I understand. You may want to try sports bras that offer more comfort and protection.  Layering bras and tanks may also work for you. The Gap has fantastic Sports bras:

If your breasts continue to be a problem and a source of pain and discomfort, you can have breast reduction surgery when you get older.

Some girls are unhappy with small breasts. However, I do not recommend breast implants because this involves putting a foreign object into your body and I don’t believe it to be a healthy choice.

However, reducing your breasts to a manageable size is a viable option for girls like you. Here is a website with information:

http://www.plasticsurgery.org/reconstructive-procedures/breast-reduction.html

Excluded_by_Graphic_Styles

Ask Weezy Highlights – Materialism

by Louise Palanker

Cover Art by Graphic-Styles

I host a safe and friendly teen social network, ios app called Our Place. Each week, thousands of questions pour into the community. Kids share with one another and I personally respond to 15- 20 questions per day in a teen advice column called Ask Weezy.  Here are this week’s top five questions.

Question 1
It’s hard to live in a materialistic world without materialistic things. It’s hard living in a world by yourself, seeing others with their iPhones and iPads, with their big beds and big TVs.

If you still don’t understand what I’m talking about let me give you an example. It’s like having two planets and putting EVERYONE on one (lets call the spoiled planet ‘A’) planet and putting one person on the other. Now place both planets beside each other. I’m on the other planet. I can reach as far as I want, but I still won’t be able to reach it. I can smell planet A, I can see it and everyone with their latest technology hanging out having fun, I can hear planet A.

Now collide both planets together. I’m on the planet now. But I won’t EVER be able to actually be in it. It’s hard being in a world that I can’t touch. Now you understand where I am. And it sucks.

Weezy
I love the way you write. It’s very powerful. Here is what I would like to say about materialism and kids: If you see a kid with a new gadget, he or she did not earn the money to purchase that gadget. His parents did. This kid just wound up in a family that can buy her stuff. How does that make her superior to you?

Even imagine it’s two adults. Adult number one is a powerful attorney who makes a lot of money. Her job is to defend people who have committed crimes or big corporations. She can afford lots of cool stuff. Adult number two is a teacher. She works in a difficult part of town with underprivileged kindergartners. She has a flip phone.

Which person is more valid or more heroic or “better?” I don’t know. I don’t know them. They are hypothetical. They may both be awesome Moms, sisters, friends, parents, humanitarians. Or one may actually be a kinder more noble person. But their worth is not measured by their gadgets.

What I’m saying is that you can not assess the merit of an adult via possessions. So, how could you possibly use this means to measure the value of a child? I know you may feel isolated or lacking. But use this energy for good. Become a better person. When you can earn, save and buy your own iPad, you will feel outstanding. But until then, let no person ever allow you to feel that your planet is not as worthy.

Question 2
Hi! Okay, so when I was in third grade, I pecked my girl friend on the lips (I’m a girl). However, I do not have romantic or sexual feelings towards girls. What does this mean?

Weezy
Nothing at all. There is all kinds of same sex fun and affection that goes on between kids, all the way up through college, and beyond. Wrestling, hugging, pecking on the lips, snuggling, etc. etc. It means nothing, unless or until you are romantically In Love with a girl.

For example: If there is this one girl that you just can not stop thinking about and you long to hold her in your arms and know everything about her and share your deepest secrets with her and if your heart goes pitter pat whenever she comes into a room… you may be gay or bi. If those feelings are happening for a boy, you are probably straight.

Question 3
My mom and dad are divorced and they always argue with each other when they’re on the phone and around me and my sister

Weezy
That is not OK, and since they don’t seem to remember that it’s not OK, you can remind them. Say, “When you argue with Dad or with Mom, it absolutely shatters me. Can you please not do that?”

Every adult knows that you NEVER argue in front of your children. It is as well known a rule as “Never drink and drive.” However, some parents get very caught up in their own pain. You know how upsetting it is when you have love life issues. It’s maybe 100 times worse for your parents when they have attempted to build a life together, raise a family, be happy and it’s not working out. The stress and the heartbreak and the sense of failure and loss that they are feeling is very overwhelming. It can cause well meaning grown ups to forget that they are NEVER supposed to argue in front of their children. Gently remind them.

Question 4
How do you build your confidence? make people love you and wanna hang out with you?

Weezy
You can’t “make” people do anything. A general rule of life may feel very counter-intuitive, but it is this: Whatever you need, give it away. If you need a friend, be a friend. If you need confidence, compliment somebody. If you need love, show love. People will be drawn to a person who shares a lot of love, laughs, compliments and positive energy.

Question 5
How do I get a boyfriend that doesn’t think I’m creepy or weird Weezy???

Weezy
You start with a friend who doesn’t think you are creepy or weird.Or a friend who loves that you are creepy and weird.

You have used interesting language and sentence structure to pose your question. It sort of places you under attack and then dares anyone to love you.

You need to start with self love. If you re-frame your position and say, “Hey, I am awesomely unique. How do a find a boyfriend who gets me?” then we can have ourselves a constructive conversation.
Join clubs and activities full of interesting people like yourself. Start with friendship and as life unfolds, so too will romance.

Eddie_Izzard_by_humbugle

Ask Weezy Highlights – Cross Dressing

by Louise Palanker

Title Art by Humbugle

I host a safe and friendly teen social network, ios app called Our Place. Each week, thousands of questions pour into the community. Kids share with one another and I personally respond to 15-20 questions per day in a teen advice column called Ask Weezy. What are today’s kids thinking about? Here are this week’s top five questions.

Question 1
Is there anything wrong with a guy wearing women’s clothes in the privacy of his own room?

Weezy
No. None at all. However, this may be one of the last lifestyle biases to topple. We don’t see cross dressing much, unless it’s in a comedy sketch. But there are entire subcultures of men who cross dress. Many of them are straight men. They just enjoy women’s clothing and the idea of going out in public and passing as a woman is very exciting to them.

I do not know a ton about it but I had a friend who cross dressed. (he has since passed away) So what I know is based on what he told me. (he was straight) and also on a documentary I watched. It may have been this one:

The straight men who cross dress have a difficult time finding a woman who understands this activity. In some countries it is more accepted. For example there are two British, male comedians who cross dress in their acts and they are widely loved and respected. They are Eddie Izard and Dame Edna. Here is a clip of Eddie Izard:

and here is Dame Edna:

There is nothing wrong with what you are doing. Love yourself and know that the world is rapidly evolving in terms of who and what we accept and embrace.  You will get to be a part of changing hearts and views.

Question 2
Hi weezy. A week ago, an old elementary school friend decided to friend me on Facebook.He started messaging and it was all friendly,  and then he started saying I still look cute and I said thank u and brushed it off.

At this point I told my boyfriend of 5 years.  Honestly, my boyfriend is the best and trusts me so he doesn’t mind me talking to the guy. But lately the guy’s been calling me cutie a lot and now he has my number. It’s starting to get a tad awkward because I like talking to him but I know that as soon as I say I have a boyfriend he will stop.

My boyfriend’s advice is to continue being friends if that’s what I want and if it ever comes up, say I do have a boyfriend. But I don’t like the feeling of some other guy calling me flirty names. How do I go about this situation without being mean? And what should I do in your opinion? Thank u so much.

Weezy
I think it is always wise to have your relationship status listed on Facebook. Social networking is often used to look up old friends and see if they are single. It is an easy way to reach out to a past crush. So, if you do not want this, list your status on your profile.

Being truthful, you are inviting this guy to continue and you need to be honest with yourself about that.  Why does he now have your phone number?  Your boyfriend is a gem.  If you love him, be very careful.

Anytime you meet someone who begins to flirt and you are not available, it is your responsibility to mention the words, “My boyfriend,” in your next sentence.

I know that you know that those words will wound. But it needs to sting now or it will hurt more later. You don’t have to announce, “Please don’t call me Cutie,” yet.  You can simply say, “Oh, gotta run. BF and I are making dinner.” That should do it.

Yes, you may loose this friendship.  But to keep this guy in the dark about your availability because you enjoy the conversations is frankly selfish and it is harmful to three people.  Your boyfriend, this guy and you.

If the guy continues flirting with you, say, “I like that we found each other again, but please don’t call me flirty names because I am in a relationship.”

Every friendship must be based on truth.

Question 3
Dear weezy, Yesterday I was supposed to go to a theme park with my boyfriend. We ended up not going because we got there late and the park would soon be closing. My boyfriend’s apartment was in that area so we decided to just go there instead.

I had fun because I never get to visit his home.  We stayed there  until about 10pm. The problem is that I had to lie to my parents about it because they would have made” negative” assumptions.

But when I got home they were questioning me a lot about why I wasn’t wet from the pool and why I got home so late. I am almost 21 and they still don’t fully trust me and they would think badly of me if I said I hung out at my boyfriend’s apt. all day by ourselves till 10.

Weezy
It is, frankly, none of their business. The more they press you for personal information, as you continue your journey through life, the less they will receive. I hope that you are thinking about moving out and gaining more independence soon.  Lying is a very bad habit to acquire.

While you still live at home, you can say things like this to your folks: “You two have raised me beautifully with excellent morals, values and judgement. I have a boyfriend. He is a wonderful guy and we respect each other. I hope that I have earned your trust. Can you maybe just ask me if I had a good time and leave the rest to me? The less you ask and judge, the more I am likely to share.”

Question 4
There is this girl I like and I can’t get over her. She says she loves me as a friend.  But I want to be more than friends. I think we are meant for each other and we have a special connection. But she doesn’t want to date. I want to, though and I don’t want to make her mad/upset. What do I say! Please help!

Weezy
You need to hear what she said to you. She wants to be your friend only. Since you would like to date, there is an imbalance in your expectations. You each want different things. Staying close and hoping the other person will change to your liking is going to place undue pressure and anxiety on both of you.

If you can totally accept that she is just your friend and you are able to look elsewhere for love, then you can remain friends. That, however, is a tough putt.  My advice is that you pull away so that you can give your heart a chance to mend.

Question 5

I’m a boy and I have two younger sisters. I have always wished for an older brother because all of my friends have brothers. This year I followed a friend of a friend on Instagram. He’s 20 and I’m 15. We started chatting and when I told my parents they got mad and shouted at me.

Three months later, my friend introduced me to one of his friends who is 17. I told my parents about him and they didn’t have a problem. Then recently, I wanted to go hang with this guy and they shouted at me because I didn’t tell them.

They said I disappointed them and that they lost trust in me. They don’t want me to be friends with anyone. I think they are overprotective, I’m starting to hate them and i don’t trust them any more and I don’t tell them anything because they don’t understand me. It’s like they were never teenagers!

Weezy
They were teenagers in a time before the personal technology that we all enjoy.

Let’s cut to the core of the problem: They worry about your safety.

When you say they yelled at you, I need to ask you, what words were they yelling?  Volume does not help a kid get the true message.

That message is probably something like this: “We don’t want you to talk to older kids you do not know in real life. Here is why… Those kids may have alcohol or drugs or fast cars with fast girls in those fast cars or guns or gangs or grenades (or whatever fills your parents’ worst nightmares) and we do not want you off on some wild spree and in way over your head.”

That’s it. When your parents yell, you can keep your voice calm and say, “Please explain the rules so that I can make sure I understand. Was it OK for me to chat with that 17 year old kid but just not OK to make plans with him when I haven’t met him in real life and you guys don’t know him? Is that it?”

You just need more clarity. Your parents are actually not being over-protective. It would just be great if they could remain more calm when they speak to you about their expectations.

A good way to start a really productive conversation is to find a quiet moment and ask them to tell you what they were like when they were your age.

bullies_by_payero01-d4u03lv

Ask Weezy Highlights – Bullies Beware

by Louise Palanker

Cover Art by Payero01

I host a safe and friendly teen social network, ios app called Our Place. Each week, thousands of questions pour into the community. Kids share with one another and I personally respond to about 20 questions per day in a teen advice column called Ask Weezy. What are today’s kids thinking about? Here are this week’s top five questions.

Question 1
How do I deal with people saying negative comments about my appearance? Please don’t tell me “oh you’re beautiful.” You don’t know what I look like, and I already believe I am.

I just get frustrated because it’s not just what people say, it’s how they say it over and over and over… What do I say to make the bullies  stop? I’ve tried being mean, ignoring it, and getting other people on my side, but nothing works. Please help? Thank you so much.

Weezy
Almost everybody is picked on about their looks at some point along the road of life.

I don’t know what they are singling out regarding you, but generally speaking, what happens is that one kid notices something specific about your appearance and then everybody jumps on that bandwagon.

So, let’s say you have big feet. Oh well. You have big feet. I am not trying to dismiss the pain it causes you when somebody mentions your feet. Rather, I am encouraging YOU to take on that “Oh, well,” attitude.

My nephew Jake has great advice on this. He says that if somebody were, for example, to call him a geek, he would say, “And your point is…?”

I love this because it completely diffuses the intended impact of the insult. They are trying to get to you. If you simply agree and then ask why they have raised this point, the wind drops from their sails.

You say that you have tried everything and I completely believe you, but now try agreeing with them and asking them to clarify why they have time in their day to bring the obvious to your attention.

Question 2
Hey, weezy I live in a city that has no place to walk around. It sucks. The places it does have I’ve been to 100s of times. I’m not old enough to drive yet, but i want to do new things. Places to hang out and go. How do I find places in my area?

Weezy
Try googling, “teen activities” plus your area. You may be surprised to see how many churches, synagogues, mosques and non-religious organizations have events and clubs for teens.

Remember, that you do not have to join a religion to take part in a youth activity.

Also, try: Boys and Girls Clubs, The YMCA, The YWCA, Kiwanas, Elks and other service organizations.

For example, every Monday, I teach a free teen comedy class at the Jewish Community Center in Santa Barbara, CA. You would not know about it if you were not looking for teen activities in Santa Barbara.

So, do some hunting and let us know what you find.

Question 3
So last time i had a girlfriend was in 5th grade. I am now 17. I just moved to ****, Ga about 7 months ago and have been looking for a girlfriend but nobody seems to stick.

I’m always very quiet around people I don’t know. More so around girls. And when I do talk to a girl, I tend to overthink things, and think of everything that could go wrong. How can I become more confident? Plz help!

Weezy
You just need more practice talking to girls. Get this practice by conversing with many different girls. Exercise that muscle. Tell yourself that almost every girl with whom you speak will not become your girlfriend. They are mostly just friends.

Getting to know them enriches your life and theirs. Girls need practice talking to boys too, so these conversations are fun and helpful to all concerned.

The more you talk, the easier it gets and eventually, a connection will begin to form between you and somebody special. Don’t force it. Wait for it, be open to it and allow it to happen.

A relationship is not just something that you need. It is also something that you offer. You will be a gift to someone wonderful.

Question 4
I look like a guy and I’m shaped like one. What to do? Well I have broad shoulders and long arms that stop to my knees, seriously… I cross my arms so ppl wont notice it. I wear a sweatshirt so people wont notice my shoulders either and for summer I wear thin baggy sweaters. I was told about 2 times that look like a guy and told a million times I was ugly.  What should i do?

Weezy
You are not ugly and unless you want to look like a guy, you don’t look like a guy. You look like YOU, during your awkward, teenage years.

Dress in clothes that YOU like. Carry your arms in a way that feels comfortable and let Mother Nature take care of the rest. You are going to be just fine.

Question 5
Hi weezy! So today I got my period (not for the first time) and now it’s getting heavy.

I am a counselor at a camp this summer and am in the lake and water most of the day. When I have been inserting a tampon, I don’t feel it at all but my period still leaks. I don’t know what to do about it because I can’t wear a pad in the water! I don’t want my period to leak on my bathing suit that I am in most of the day! What should I do?

Thanks so much and sorry if this was a little gross :) Weezy

Weezy
Your period will only be heavy enough to leak through a tampon for about a day. Most girls just figure out how to get through that day and yes, it can be tricky if it’s a day spent on the water.

Some girls say, “I can’t swim today. Personal reasons.” Everybody just gets that. No more explanation is needed.

Some, may put a mini pad in their bathing suit. Sure it gets soaked with water, but it also sort of blocks leakage while you go from the water to the ladies room to swap out your tampon.

You will figure out what works for you. Always remember that every female gets her period. Don’t be shy about asking older counselors how they handle these situations.

Every month, you get a little bit better at strategizing around your period.

Divorce_by_sailor_midnightstar

Ask Weezy Highlights – Divorcing Parents

by Louise Palanker
Cover Image by Sailer-MidnightStar
I host a safe and friendly teen social network, ios app called Our Place. Each week, thousands of questions pour into the community. Kids share with one another and I personally respond to about 20 questions per day in a teen advice column called Ask Weezy. What are today’s kids thinking about? Here are this week’s top five questions.
Question 1
My parents sometime fight. One time my dad was drunk {sorry if this is a little inappropriate } and came home and almost killed my mom. My sister had to go through this and she’s six. They sometimes fight and my mom cries and I feel bad for them.
My mom told me if they divorce I have to live with the one of them and I feel pressure because I love both of them but if they divorce I would have to choose between them.
Weezy
The children of divorcing parents should never have to choose where they will live or with whom.  The adults must be the adults. It is their job (sometimes with help from the courts) to make decisions based around what is in the best interests of the child.
Joint Custody is often the best option. This means you would spend an equal amount of time with both parents. The child’s opinion and experiences are often taken into account while these decisions are being made. In other words, should the child express a concern that one parent is dangerous, the judge will listen to that.
So, if for example, your father is often drunk and violent. It may be better for your mom to have legal custody and for your dad to have supervised visitations. Nothing is set in stone. Arrangements can change as you grow older and/or if your father were to receive help for his alcohol problem.
Remember that you did not ask to be put in this satiation.  This is your childhood.  It matters and it must come first.  The grown ups need to figure out how to put their differences aside and put YOU, first.
If your parents are asking you to choose. You can say, “I need to spend time with both of you. Please figure out a schedule that works for everyone. I will not choose between my parents. I love you too much to do that.”
Question 2
I have a crush on my cousin and he is way older than me. Every time I see him it’s really awkward. Any advice?
Weezy
Cousin Crushing is pretty common. But cousins are off limits, as are way older guys.  So you will go ahead and place this crush in its proper category. It is a crush. It is meant to inform your romantic instincts. What type of man do you find attractive? This type. That’s all.
Enjoy your time with him. Develop a special bond. If he is a man of character, look for this type of man as you continue down your path toward love.
Question 3
Dear weezy, It is just a few more weeks until I’m leaving my parents for my studies and this scares me. The thought of it makes me unable to sleep at night, because things will never be the same again after I leave my parents. I’ll finish my studies and then get a job. Eventually, I’ll have my own family and live elsewhere. I still think I’m too young to leave them and I don’t want to, but I have to and I’m scared. What should I do? :(
Weezy
Many kids feel this way. Other kids can not wait to leave. Here is the good news for you. Not wanting to leave means that you enjoy a wonderful relationship with your parents. This is a blessing.
Sometimes, life moves on when we are absolutely ready. Other times, we need to give ourselves a little push. Don’t think too far down the road. Concentrate on the next task that lays before you and do it well. You will still be home for holidays and summers. Your room and your parents will be there waiting for you and it will stay that way until you no longer need these comforts of home quite so often.
The only thing that never changes is that everything changes. We are in constant motion. That is what makes life so interesting and exciting. Go greet your next adventure.
Question 4
Hey weezy! So my mom recently went through my phone. She read text messages between me and my girlfriend. My mom doesn’t know I’m bisexual but she made a snide comment referring to, “your girlfriend.” I was kinda freaked out because my mom did not know about my girlfriend before she went through my texts. She hasn’t brought it up or said anything besides that one comment.
But my dad said she was yelling to him about it. But I don’t think my mom told my dad everything. Does this mean she doesn’t care? That she supports me? She calls me a lesbian and a dyke all the time. Only because I don’t wear a bathing suit and seldom go swimming. I just wish she didn’t call me those things. And I wish she could just talk to me.
Weezy
I do not think it is wise or kind for your mother to call you derogatory names, but here is the thing when it comes to parents suspecting that their child may be gay or bi… they rarely will come right out and ask you. They will wait for you to come out.
That’s why it’s called coming out. It’s up to you to decide if you have something to say about your sexuality or sexual preference. Since maybe 90% of people are straight, the straight kids never have to go through this. It is assumed, by parents, that a child is straight unless or until he or she says otherwise.
Your mom seems to think that dropping a lot of hints or even teasing you will force the conversation. She does not get that she may be encouraging you to stay silent.
So, break the silence and say something to your mom that puts this on the table. Say, “OK, so I guess you know that I like girls, right?” It won’t come as a shock. You know that she knows. But it will be much healthier if the two of you can just talk about it. That way, you can say, “And please don’t call me a dyke. It’s not funny and it hurts my feelings.”
Question 5
I hate taking my shirt off in front of other people. I’ve never liked my body and everyone always looks better than I do. I know they say looks aren’t everything and that it’s what’s inside that counts, but that really doesn’t seem to be true. I don’t have abs, I have Bacne and I’m pretty short for my age. I can’t change my body even though I wish I could just have a new one.
Weezy
The good news is that you ARE getting a new body.  A boy may continue growing until he is about 21.  Your body is not what it will be once you are a man. Don’t judge yourself so harshly.
Most girls are not looking for abs. In fact, I believe that the more interesting the girl, the LESS she cares about muscly men.  Smart, sweet, funny girls are are looking for a smart, sweet, funny guy who cares about the things in life that actually matter.
There are a lot of girls who are insecure about their bodies too. Especially during the summer time. So, be nice to people, have fun and remember that just about anyone you will meet at the pool or the beach is not all that thrilled with his or her body either.
So, when you see friends and acquaintances gingerly taking off a top or a tee and timidly stepping toward the water, remember that this is an insecure moment for EVERYONE. Offer a big smile and join them.
teen advice

Ask Weezy Highlights: Teen Advice – Sexting

Ask Weezy

Teen Advice by Louise Palanker

Cover Art by  KeeraKeera

I host a safe and friendly teen social network, ios app called Our Place. Each week, thousands of questions pour into the community. Kids share with one another and I personally respond to about 20 questions per day in a column called Ask Weezy. What are today’s kids thinking about? Here are this week’s top five questions.

Question 1

Ok. My best friend and I recently told each other that we like each other. We know that we feel the same way about each other. The slight problem is that if we date and we end up having a bad break up, it might mess up our friendship. And our friendship is so good. Is there a way we can work it out?

Weezy

No. There are no shortcuts around tough issues. With great risk comes great reward. What also comes is risk. But here is the way I look at it. In life, we must pay attention to the truth. Let it surface and look at. Say, “Hey truth. I see you. I acknowledge you and I will deal with you, come what may. Whenever you try to stuff down that truth, it festers and does all kinds of damage.

Let’s lay out some predicted outcomes based on your truth: The truth is that you like each other. So,

Scenario Number 1)

Ignoring that you like each other as more than friends in an effort to maintain your friendship. Well, it’s a lie that asks you to pretend something is not happening. So, in an effort to maintain your “friendship” you will both probably want to date others at some point. Those others will not tolerate this “friendship.” You will have now involved innocent people. You will not be with the one you truly love and you will be hurting each other and the people you are trying to date.

Taking this a step further, if one or both of you marry these other people, this will compound the problem and the number of innocents involved. Attempting to remain “just friends” may result in your loosing both the friendship and the romance and living your entire lives longing for each other and regretting your decision to remain “friends.” (Goggle Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles)

Scenario number 2)

You accept that you like each other as more than friends. You are both terrified, but you take this friendship up a notch to dating. It may work out. It may not But you will both get to experience a romantic adventure with a loving partner and for as long as it lasts, you will be learning from and growing with each other. This person may be the great love of your lifetime. Who is to say? If it does not last romantically and you loose the friendship, well, you lived your truths and you left an indelible mark on each other’s hearts. I vote for choice number 2. Live your truth.

Question 2

How do I ask my friend’s mom for feminine products? For the summer I’m staying over my friend’s house while my parents are out of town. Today I just started my period , I always kept a pad with me just in case it started cause I was told by my mom that I would start soon. Anyway, I only had one pad and I need more. IM SOO SCARED. I don’t know why, but it’s embarrassing ..my friend started hers so did her sister but I’m scared to ask any of them. btw its all girls in my friend’s household..

Weezy

The only embarrassment should be the embarrassment of riches in feminine products which inhabit that house. Ask your friend to ask her mom. There are loads of pads in any house full of females. The supplies you need are just a couple of steps away.

I know it feels embarrassing but it is actually very expected. Turn to your friend right this moment and say, “Aunt Flo just arrived and I need supplies.” Do it right now. Before you finish reading this post. Just look up and say that sentence, out loud…. OK, go ahead and whisper it….

Good for you. Now that’s done and somebody is going to get you pads. Have a great summer.

Question 3

I talk to a pervert and I regret everything. He asked me where I live. I said a state that’s far away from where I actually live. I told him a fake age, and my real first name. I also sent him a picture of me and my older sister. I made youtube videos then he messaged me on kik and we became closer. He complimented me and then asked for naked pictures. I sent him one but I wasn’t naked it was just my bum.

Our conversations usually always tend to have sexual stuff in them.. I don’t reply back sexually. I’ll try to change the subject.. He sent me a picture of him and he told me he was 26 but he looks older. I told him he looks like a rapist. He said, “I always point out the best in you, and you always point out the worst in me.” Please don’t tell me to tell my parents or the police.

Weezy

Respectfully, please don’t tell me what to tell you. This guy has an unhealthy, sexual interest in children, meaning, he is a pedophile. In speaking with you sexually online and requesting photos, he is breaking the law and he is dangerous.

Any child who posts content online and enters into a private conversations with a stranger is likely to run into somebody like this guy. The communication will begin with compliments and sharing how much you have in common. As he earns your trust and draws you in, he will begin to turn the conversation sexual. By this point, it is hard for the child to pull away because you may even believe that you are a little bit in love with him and that he values and understands you fully and completely.

This is how he operates. This is what he does. He’s been doing it for a long time and to a lot of children. He is probably not in his 20s and he probably is lying to you about any number of facts. He is probably speaking to a lot of girls and the moment he has enough information about you, he will be arranging to meet you. If you are too wise to allow for that rendezvous, another lonely girl somewhere is not. She will fall into his trap. You need to cease all contact with him. He is manipulating your mind.

STOP TALKING TO HIM. Tell your parents, call a helpline and call the police.

Question 4

Hi Weezy! This boy that I really like asked me for a picture of my boobs. I said no. He said he understood. Should I back away from him or is it ok for me to still like him? I told him I thought we had something together and he didn’t answer. He must have left because it made him uncomfortable… I just dunno.

Weezy

No. He left because you did not give him what he wanted. The only thing you have that he wants is your body. If anything else were the case he would be treating you with respect and trying to learn more about the person that is you. He would not be disrespecting you by

a) asking you to do something crass and humiliating and

b) asking you to do something that lives on the internet forever.

You may be thinking, “But nobody will know they are my breasts.” YOU will know. You will know that you did this in the hope that on the other side of this exchange would lie love. You would then learn the hard way that quite the opposite is true. On the other side of this exchange lies you hurt and feeling used, vulnerable and exposed. You will never know how many people were forwarded that photo.

Has this boy stopped talking to you because he felt “uncomfortable?” I hope so, but I doubt it. He’s gone because you are a young lady with dignity and self esteem. He is off to prey upon girls who have yet to embrace these qualities. He is doing so because he has no dignity or respect for himself or others. He has a long way to go to catch up to you. Please look for love in the eyes of somebody who is not afraid to really see YOU.

Question 5

Last year this guy (my neighbor) and I hung out all summer. I began to like him and then he tells me that he’s going to my school and will be in my grade. I was really happy. He was flirting with me and making my crush bigger.

But then when school started, he talked to me less. After a month of this I decided to just stop taking to him and a week later he noticed and asked me why I wasn’t talking to him and I said I don’t know and walked away.

I have ignored him (and he has ignored me also) for like 8 months now and I miss talking to him.  How do I get him to talk to me again?

Weezy

You gave him a false answer. You do know why you weren’t talking to him but you claimed that you didn’t. You had made your point. He noticed, and when he asked you why you hadn’t spoken to him, the productive answer would have been, “I know. I miss you. What’s been happening? Catch me up.”  This would have invited conversation.  Instead, you shut him down.

This sort of pattern tends to repeat itself between men and women so pay careful attention to what you did right and what you could do better.

A guy who likes you will definitely notice if you start ignoring him. And, when he notices, you may still be hurt and angry and you may be hoping that he says EVERYTHING you need to hear that will make you feel appreciated once again. Well, he won’t say everything. You need to steer that conversation.

He may say something, which is what you got. But if you make him feel badly for saying something, he’ll lick his wounds and walk away.

If, on the other hand, you say something inviting and he starts talking to you again, when the moment is right, you can then say, “Hey, I felt kind of hurt when you started school and it seemed like you were too busy for me.”

That is your truth. That is what happened. Don’t expect guys to know exactly what you are feeling. They don’t know unless you tell them. And in order to tell them, you need to pleasantly re-open conversation.

So, here we are eight months later and you now have some work to do. Walk up to him and say, “I miss talking to you. What’s been going on?” If he is open to that, then down the line, you can tell him the truth about why you shut down.

Jealousy by The Millionaire Waltz

Ask Weezy Teen Advice – Sister Jealousy

Ask Weezy
by Louise Palanker

Image by The Millionaire Waltz

I host a safe and friendly teen social network, ios app called Our Place. Each week, thousands of questions pour into the community. Kids share with one another and I personally respond to about 20 questions per day in a  teen advice column called Ask Weezy. What are today’s kids thinking about? Here are this week’s top five questions.

Question 1
Why is my sister like this? Why does she hate me so much? She loves staring at me, like at my stomach because I have a belly. She’s fatter than me and she has clothes that she can’t fit into anymore, so she gave them to me but every time I put them on she wants them back. She love pointing out my flaws. Cursing me out and embarrassing me in front of others. Why is this?

Weezy
You can turn this ship around. Compliment her and mean it. Laugh at her jokes. Tell her that she is good at something. Tell her she looks cute in that outfit, etc. etc.

This is sibling rivalry, plain and simple. As long as you take part, it will continue to escalate. Your sister is insecure and she is consciously or subconsciously knocking you down a peg and measuring herself against you.

Life will not work well for her if she persists. We all do better and feel better when we lift each other up. Show her how this is done. Lift her up.

Question 2
OK, I’m a sl*t cause I have crushes? Oh wow. well. I’ll be honest here I have a crush on a kid and I made some sexual jokes to let him know why I like him. But I did it in front of my brother.

Whenever I do something bad my dad gives me a certain look, so I believe my bro told him what I said. But my brother actually did something worse. If he told on me, do you think I should tell on him?

Also, my friend is about to reveal a secret but I know stuff about her. Should I tell it before she says something about me?

Weezy
If your brother has put himself or others in danger, you should tell an adult. But not as revenge. Simply because it’s the right thing to do.

You are off and running down some dangerous roads and you need to do a serious re-boot on your approach to life.

We all need to be loved and appreciated. Saying sexual things will get you immediate attention but the kickback will be harsh and sometimes permanent.

If you want a boy to like you, appreciate in him what he appreciates in himself. Compliment him. Smile at him. Make him laugh. Listen to him when he talks.

Anything sexual can and should wait until you are over the age of 18 and in a serious relationship with love at its foundation.

On to the next part of your question. It sounds to me like you may be seeking the wrong kind of attention because none of the kids in your family are getting enough of the right kinds of attention.

Another person’s nasty behavior will never justify your own.

You can not control what others do. You can not stop people by using threats, coercion, or fear tactics.

Own your own actions and do not follow a wrong with another wrong. That just heaps garbage on garbage.

I hate the Sl… word. It’s not nice. It’s not kind and it never addresses the root cause of a behavior. It just adds shame to the situation.

You are not that word, nor will you ever be. But I want you to do a lot of thinking about the person inside of you. Who is she? What are her goals, dreams, talents, aspirations? What IS her potential?

It is your job to stop behaving in ways that make you sad and to start becoming a person who will make YOU proud.

Question 3
Hi so I’m going to this outdoor science camp for school for 5 days and I got my period. I’m freaking out and I’m so worried and I need help!! What do I do!??? We will be on a 3 hour drive and be hiking ALL day long everyday .

Weezy
As you grow older, you will learn how to do just about anything while on your period. Is it inconvenient? Yes. Can you handle it? Yes.

If you are very young, say 11, 12 or 13, it is perfectly acceptable to let a female supervisor know that you have your period so that she can subtly plan bathroom breaks for everyone.

Trust me. Women help girls with this issue. The reason you know nothing about it is that we do it very discretely.

The women in your world simply need to be informed. That is all it will take.

You will be just fine.

Question 4
I feel like there’s an empty place in my heart like I lost something. I feel pain in my heart now. So I was in the school drama club and we just had our last show. This was my last year at the school and all the graduates were crying when we finished the show.

I miss the people, the rehearsals, the shows and it just hurts me to think that it’s over. I feel actual pain from the loss. It’s a withdrawal for me. I can never do it again. That’s it. It’s over. I had great experiences there my 3 years of middle school but I need advice on moving on. Please don’t Say to find a new club because nothing will ever be the same. Thanks

Weezy
No, nothing else will ever be the same. The only thing that ever stays the same is that things will continue to change.

The good news here is that you are sad. It means that you had a fantastic experience which is now on its way to becoming a cherished memory. So, cry. You should.

Then give yourself something to look forward to and start thinking about all of the adventures that await you in the high school drama program.

I have to tell you to join a new club. Because even if I didn’t, you would still know that you must. This is what you love to do. Continue. It won’t be the same. It will be a new kind of wonderful. You just learned the steps. Keep dancing.

Question 5
Hey weezy ! (: Okay, my friends are always bugging me about this one guy that likes me, I don’t like him so I told them to stop, but they won’t listen. What do I do?

Weezy
Halt other activities and conversations. Make direct eye contact and say, “This really bothers me and makes me uncomfortable. Please respect me and this boy. Just stop.”

Joann Palanker's Our Place logo

Ask Weezy: Teen Advice – Are You Beautiful?

ugly_by_ozmilkshakes-d42f5en

Image by: OzMilkshakes from DeviantArt.com

by Louise Palanker

I host a teen advice driven social network called Our Place. Here are this week’s highlights.

Question 1

How do I accept that I am ugly ? I try my hardest to look pretty. I did my hair a different way, changed my style a bit, makeup, etc but nothing works. I just want to be pretty like other girls. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep, looking in the mirror and just crying, etc.

I’m not even sure if any guys like me. They look at me and that’s it. For example : the same guy may look at me over and over but doesn’t talk to me or approach me. He may be looking at me over and over wondering why I’m so ugly because where I live about 99% of girls are pretty.

I’m so sick of everything. I isolate myself from mostly everyone my age cause I can’t get along with any of them. They always say negative things and nothing positive. It hurts so bad…. Okay! The problem is that I don’t want to cry because of my ugliness. How do I accept I’m ugly?

Weezy

You are not ugly. Let’s put that first and foremost. Next, most girls your age do not feel great about their looks. And most importantly YOU are not your appearance. Wouldn’t it be sad if that’s all we were? The way we look? Nothing more?

Appearance does play a part in how we initially react to another human being. That is built into the core of our instincts. But then our brain must take the rest of the journey.

If you had to make a list of the ten most important and influential people in the history of time, your list would probably have NOTHING to do with appearance. I know mine wouldn’t. My list would go something like this:

Martin Luther King

Ghandi

Abraham Lincoln

Thomas Jefferson (OK, he’s kind of cute)

Golda Meir

Eleanor Roosevelt

Rosa Parks

Nelson Mandela

Harriet Beecher Stowe

Susan B. Anthony

Anne Frank

All of these people are beautiful.  When you allow yourself to feel this much pain over the way you look, you are not giving yourself enough credit for the actual person that is you. Please stop looking in the mirror and start looking out into the world. The question is not, “What do you look like?”  It is, “What are you going to do with the life you have been given?”

Question 2

I’m scared to do what I love the most in my own house. Drawing. Cause my dad comes up to my room and gets mad at me for not studying. I have really good grades already but he doesn’t think it’s enough. Art is my outlet. He even knows. I talked to him & he says he cares but he actually doesn’t. He won’t listen.

Weezy

Think about what your dad values. What does he do to unwind? Then compare your drawing to that. Say, “Dad, this is what replenishes me. It will help me study harder and do better. I need this. Please trust my judgement. I know when to study and when to give myself a well needed break.”

You have heard the word, “recreate.” If you break that word down, it says “re-create.” We, as humans do not do well if we do not have a chance to re-create our energy. Explain this to him from that perspective. Try to get your mom to help you do this.

Question 3

Hey weezy… So I was wondering if this was a good idea? So I really like this girl (we’re both lesbian) and I know she likes me (at least as a friend I guess) and I was wondering if it is ok for another friend to tell her that I like her… Cos I really can’t myself and I’m scared if she doesn’t know she’ll find someone else even though she probably likes someone else anyway… Do you think her finding out I like her would ruin our friendship??

Weezy

It may ruin your friendship or it may not.  But liking a friend is exactly the same whether you are straight or gay.

Once you have feelings, the friendship is already ruined.  It is now out of balance.  You like the person romantically.  That person may still like you as only a friend.  Meaning, the two of you have different agendas.  That’s not going to be healthy, moving forward.

She deserves to know your truth.  Once that is revealed she will have the information she needs to make her next decision.  Without clarity, your “friendship” limps along.  You want more.  She’s not sure why you are so easily hurt by this or that.  You interpret everything she says or does through a filter of hope that it means something.  She can’t understand why you don’t want her talking to some other girl.

Once she knows that you like her, everything makes more sense.  Will this harm your “friendship?”  Your friendship was “harmed” the moment you began wanting more.

Let your other friend carry the truth to your crush and then deal with the consequences.  I know it’s scary but this is what needs to happen.

Question 4

We’ll this guy has been embarrassing me at school because he thinks I like this other guy.  I was just being friendly to the guy but I do kinda like him but i don’t know. These two kids are friends so whenever I text the guy I like, “hey :)”  the other guys sees it and he is just mean at school.  In front of everybody he says still liking (boys name)? and then he laughs. I’m afraid everyone will hear and I need advice on how to overcome it and not be scared. Please help.

Weezy

You can look right back at him and say, “You’ll never know.” or, “What if a do?” Or, very sarcastically, “Oh, my gosh. A girl may like a boy. Alert the media.” Honestly, nobody has a right to tease anyone over a crush because we all get them.

Question 5

I’m 12 and this guy is in his 20’s. I met him from youtube though he didn’t post videos. I did. He was the first guy I ever really liked.  We had nice conversations. Didn’t talk about sex or anything.  We act/think just alike.  I can’t explain it, but I really did like him until one day i stopped talking to him.  He then deleted all his social networks.., He also helped me out with my suicidal thoughts.  I stopped talking to him because my parents fussed at me. I don’t think he’s a pervert. He never said anything sexual. But he runs though my mind everyday ..

Weezy

It is completely normal for a 12 year old to have a crush on a 20 something year old. But your parents have every right to be concerned about your talking with this man online. It just sounds shady. It may not have been and he may be just fine. But it is still very dangerous.

When a man goes out of his way to contact a 12 year old online, his motives will always be questioned. If you knew him in real life and he were a teacher or a youth pastor or a mentor, it would be much more acceptable.

Online connections can so easily lead to inappropriate language and suggestions. This is why the internet is full of predators and pedophiles. They can very easily speak to you away from your parents. They start by being your best friend and being there for you and completely understanding you. Then it becomes sexual very quickly.