Tag Archives: self image

Ask Weezy: Teen Advice – Jealousy

Ask Weezy

by Louise Palanker

Art by Dolokun

I host a safe and friendly teen social network, ios app called Our Place. Each week, thousands of questions pour into the community. Kids share with one another and I respond to about 20 questions per day in a  teen advice column called Ask Weezy. What are today’s kids thinking about? Here are this week’s top five questions.

Question 1

Sometimes the guys I think are cute and like flirt with my friends right in front of me and it makes me so jealous because I don’t think I’m not as pretty as them. I end up doing something stupid and really mean that I regret and I don’t know how to stop.

Weezy

The answer is learning to see the beauty of your own soul with your own heart and mind, rather than looking for it reflected in somebody else’s eyes. Love is not a competition.  It’s collaborative. It is not endangered.  it is abundant.

A boy flirting with another girl takes nothing away from you.  It is its own isolated dynamic.  It has nothing to do with you. That very girl who currently feels like a threat may grow up to become the doctor who saves your life. You can not spend your day looking at others with envy and disdain.  They are humans, just like you.  They have love to give and they need love in return.   The boy who is meant to be your forever guy is out there.

The more loving you are to EVERYBODY the more attracted he will be to you. Show the world your most giving spirit and that love will be returned to you. Once you put healthy energy patterns in motion, you will be amazed.

You can’t have every guy.  You don’t want every guy.  At this point in your life, it’s time to let the flirting fall where it may.   Look at it this way: Only when you stop being mean will real love have an opportunity to find you.

Question 2

I don’t know how to explain this but I have an eating disorder and I don’t feel I am deserving of treatment. There are so many more worse problems in the world than an ED. I feel like an awful person because there are starving people in the world who don’t get to pick if they eat or not and here I am not eating or, if I do eat, vomiting it up.

I feel like I am so selfish and an awful person for doing this.. Am I selfish? How can I stop this? And if I get help it will go on my record and I wanna go into the navy. They may not let me in if I have a mental illness…

Weezy

An eating disorder is not a badge if shame. Nor is any emotional or mental condition. It’s like a broken arm. It just is and it needs to be fixed. I don’t mean to be harsh but you must stop coming up with reasons not to seek treatment.

Eating disorders are not judged. They are understood and they are healed. Until you do that you will not be strong enough to join the Navy. You can not serve your country until you are healthy.

At present, your priority is your disease, and until that is cleared up, you are not being loyal to your true self. You can call any Navy recruitment office and learn about their policies regarding eating disorders. Certainly, you would be asked about this during your physical and it will be against the law to lie.

No matter what you choose to do with your life, you won’t be able to get there while you are still inside this disease. So, first get treatment. Get well. And then begin to formulate what you would like to do with your healthy and whole life.

Question 3

Hey! My biggest crush asked out my friend and she said yes! I’m really mad at her for saying yes. She said she has liked him for a long time! But I love him! I have liked him longer than she has because I have loved him since kindergarden! What do I do!

Weezy

You may like him a whole lot more than she does but he gets to decide who he likes romantically. I know that is hard to hear.

If it’s a deal breaker between you and your friend, let her know, as delicately as possible. You can say, “It will just hurt my heart to see you two together, so I am going to have to take a step back as your friend, while I get over him.”

Or you can cry for a couple of days, then come up for air and accept this. It’s such a gray area. Part of me believes that you can’t lay claim to a boy. The other part of me says, she probably should have put her friendship with you first. But it’s impossible to know how much she cares for him and we can’t make this decision for her.

One thing I will tell you is that if you ask a friend to choose between you and love, they will usually choose love. Even if they live to regret that choice. Love is powerful that way.

Your friendship is more important than this boy. But when you are in the middle of this sort of struggle, it sure doesn’t feel that way. So, don’t say anything you can not take back. You have every right to feel hurt and angry. But think before you speak and then choose words that will allow you to one day retrieve this friendship.

Question 4

This morning, I looked at my belly in the mirror. I haven’t done this in months, because I hate the way it looks. I go to my doctor once a year, I’m a healthy weight. He never says anything bad. But I feel fat because I saw my stomach moving around. Now, when I walk, I think about it, and can feel it jiggling slightly.

I always exercise and have a decent diet. It’s just the way I look. How do I learn to accept it?

Weezy

You tell yourself that this is the way you look and this is the way people look. This is your body. Designed and engineered to go the distance. It is here to serve you and you will pilot your body through this life you have been given.

Would you stand outside a car and stare at it and judge the fender? Why does it stick out like that?!

To protect your car.

Now get into the car and go.

A woman’s body comes with curves. That’s how she is built. Stop judging your body and go share the spirit of your being with the world.

Question 5

My dad is very unpredictable. He yells at us kids and at the dogs. He scares us. I know he had a bad childhood. But last night he was screaming at our older dog and she was shaking. I ran to my room and that just upset my dad. He saw my scared face so he screamed, “I would never hurt the dog and then he was swearing and he slammed my door.

Later I saw him on the couch comforting the little dog and being affectionate. I just went to my room crying.

I want to have a close relationship with my father but I can’t trust him. I also know he will not seek professional help. I just don’t know what to do. He ruins my moods. I was having a great day today until all of this happened. Do you have advice?

Weezy

If he will not seek professional help the quality of his life will continue to be compromised. You should ask your mom if the rest of the family can go to therapy so that you can learn how to better deal with a father who is so unpredictable and frightening.

He was scaring, not just you kids, but also the animals. When you see him giving all that love to his little dog, it’s because that dog will bounce right back to being affectionate towards him far more quickly than will a child.

A child needs love, compassion, conversation, renewed trust, time to heal, etc. Look how frustrated he became when your face revealed your fear. You were still very upset.

What does he do? He slams your door and stomps off??? Sorry, no. That is not OK with children. But who is back in his lap within moments and ready to forget that anything ever happened? His dog.

Your father loves you, fully and completely. He just does not know what to do with himself when he gets all wound up. He has no healthy place to throw all of that negative energy.

He’s not angry with you. He’s angry with himself. You can write him a note, telling him how frightened you get. You can give your mom a copy of that note and you can request that you see a therapist to talk about your fears surrounding your father’s unpredictable behavior.

Ask Weezy: Teen Advice – Are You Beautiful?

ugly_by_ozmilkshakes-d42f5en

Image by: OzMilkshakes from DeviantArt.com

by Louise Palanker

I host a teen advice driven social network called Our Place. Here are this week’s highlights.

Question 1

How do I accept that I am ugly ? I try my hardest to look pretty. I did my hair a different way, changed my style a bit, makeup, etc but nothing works. I just want to be pretty like other girls. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep, looking in the mirror and just crying, etc.

I’m not even sure if any guys like me. They look at me and that’s it. For example : the same guy may look at me over and over but doesn’t talk to me or approach me. He may be looking at me over and over wondering why I’m so ugly because where I live about 99% of girls are pretty.

I’m so sick of everything. I isolate myself from mostly everyone my age cause I can’t get along with any of them. They always say negative things and nothing positive. It hurts so bad…. Okay! The problem is that I don’t want to cry because of my ugliness. How do I accept I’m ugly?

Weezy

You are not ugly. Let’s put that first and foremost. Next, most girls your age do not feel great about their looks. And most importantly YOU are not your appearance. Wouldn’t it be sad if that’s all we were? The way we look? Nothing more?

Appearance does play a part in how we initially react to another human being. That is built into the core of our instincts. But then our brain must take the rest of the journey.

If you had to make a list of the ten most important and influential people in the history of time, your list would probably have NOTHING to do with appearance. I know mine wouldn’t. My list would go something like this:

Martin Luther King

Ghandi

Abraham Lincoln

Thomas Jefferson (OK, he’s kind of cute)

Golda Meir

Eleanor Roosevelt

Rosa Parks

Nelson Mandela

Harriet Beecher Stowe

Susan B. Anthony

Anne Frank

All of these people are beautiful.  When you allow yourself to feel this much pain over the way you look, you are not giving yourself enough credit for the actual person that is you. Please stop looking in the mirror and start looking out into the world. The question is not, “What do you look like?”  It is, “What are you going to do with the life you have been given?”

Question 2

I’m scared to do what I love the most in my own house. Drawing. Cause my dad comes up to my room and gets mad at me for not studying. I have really good grades already but he doesn’t think it’s enough. Art is my outlet. He even knows. I talked to him & he says he cares but he actually doesn’t. He won’t listen.

Weezy

Think about what your dad values. What does he do to unwind? Then compare your drawing to that. Say, “Dad, this is what replenishes me. It will help me study harder and do better. I need this. Please trust my judgement. I know when to study and when to give myself a well needed break.”

You have heard the word, “recreate.” If you break that word down, it says “re-create.” We, as humans do not do well if we do not have a chance to re-create our energy. Explain this to him from that perspective. Try to get your mom to help you do this.

Question 3

Hey weezy… So I was wondering if this was a good idea? So I really like this girl (we’re both lesbian) and I know she likes me (at least as a friend I guess) and I was wondering if it is ok for another friend to tell her that I like her… Cos I really can’t myself and I’m scared if she doesn’t know she’ll find someone else even though she probably likes someone else anyway… Do you think her finding out I like her would ruin our friendship??

Weezy

It may ruin your friendship or it may not.  But liking a friend is exactly the same whether you are straight or gay.

Once you have feelings, the friendship is already ruined.  It is now out of balance.  You like the person romantically.  That person may still like you as only a friend.  Meaning, the two of you have different agendas.  That’s not going to be healthy, moving forward.

She deserves to know your truth.  Once that is revealed she will have the information she needs to make her next decision.  Without clarity, your “friendship” limps along.  You want more.  She’s not sure why you are so easily hurt by this or that.  You interpret everything she says or does through a filter of hope that it means something.  She can’t understand why you don’t want her talking to some other girl.

Once she knows that you like her, everything makes more sense.  Will this harm your “friendship?”  Your friendship was “harmed” the moment you began wanting more.

Let your other friend carry the truth to your crush and then deal with the consequences.  I know it’s scary but this is what needs to happen.

Question 4

We’ll this guy has been embarrassing me at school because he thinks I like this other guy.  I was just being friendly to the guy but I do kinda like him but i don’t know. These two kids are friends so whenever I text the guy I like, “hey :)”  the other guys sees it and he is just mean at school.  In front of everybody he says still liking (boys name)? and then he laughs. I’m afraid everyone will hear and I need advice on how to overcome it and not be scared. Please help.

Weezy

You can look right back at him and say, “You’ll never know.” or, “What if a do?” Or, very sarcastically, “Oh, my gosh. A girl may like a boy. Alert the media.” Honestly, nobody has a right to tease anyone over a crush because we all get them.

Question 5

I’m 12 and this guy is in his 20’s. I met him from youtube though he didn’t post videos. I did. He was the first guy I ever really liked.  We had nice conversations. Didn’t talk about sex or anything.  We act/think just alike.  I can’t explain it, but I really did like him until one day i stopped talking to him.  He then deleted all his social networks.., He also helped me out with my suicidal thoughts.  I stopped talking to him because my parents fussed at me. I don’t think he’s a pervert. He never said anything sexual. But he runs though my mind everyday ..

Weezy

It is completely normal for a 12 year old to have a crush on a 20 something year old. But your parents have every right to be concerned about your talking with this man online. It just sounds shady. It may not have been and he may be just fine. But it is still very dangerous.

When a man goes out of his way to contact a 12 year old online, his motives will always be questioned. If you knew him in real life and he were a teacher or a youth pastor or a mentor, it would be much more acceptable.

Online connections can so easily lead to inappropriate language and suggestions. This is why the internet is full of predators and pedophiles. They can very easily speak to you away from your parents. They start by being your best friend and being there for you and completely understanding you. Then it becomes sexual very quickly.

Ask Weezy: Teen Advice – Body Image

Ask Weezy
by Louise Palanker

Cover Image by CarrieLynn18

I host a safe and friendly teen social network, ios app called Our Place. Each week, thousands of questions pour into the community. Kids share with one another and I respond to about 20 questions per day in a teen advice column called Ask Weezy. What are today’s kids thinking about? Here are this week’s top five questions:

girlonscale

Question 1

I’m struggling with my weight and appearance. I’m 12 and I have fat thighs, a big belly, long feet and I’m tall. I look at other girls my age and they have skinny thighs , a skinny stomach, small feet and they’re short.

I notice that the girls I just described are the only girls guys find attractive. They don’t like the girls who are the same height as them and almost fat.

I’m ugly. I try my hardest to look pretty. I TRY my hardest to loose weight but I always forgot I’m on a diet. I’m 130 .. The cute girls wear tight jeans, crop tops, and stylish shoes while I have to wear big shirts and jeans. I’m forced to do so. How can i be like them?

Weezy

I understand that you believe you want to be like those girls. But are you really looking at every girl? Because, when I look around, I see people of all different shapes and sizes and nobody has dibs on all the boys.

The older you grow, the more fine tuned people get with their tastes in absolutely everything… including love.

There is a guy at your school… at least one guy, maybe more… who is also insecure about himself and he is wondering why you don’t look at him.

So, you may be thinking, “Well, I don’t want that guy.” But, do you know him? Do you know how cute he is going to be in about a year? Do you know how much you have in common?

My point is, you need to go easier on yourself and on everybody else. It is so easy to assume that the skinny girls are happier than you. They are not. They are just really good at pretending they are. Everybody your age is insecure. YOU are not a body or a shape or a face. Who are you????? It’s your job to figure that out and to fall in love with that wonderful person.

Question 2

I need your advice.. What do I do? My father is in prison and I’m holding a grudge against his ex. She put him there because she did things to make him do things.. What exactly should I do?

Weezy

I am so very sorry that you are facing this situation. However, it serves nobody to blame your father’s ex and cast her as the bad guy in this scenario. I know it’s easier to hate her than to hate your father. You don’t have to hate anybody. It’s just adults behaving badly and making poor decisions.

Nobody forced your father to do anything. You probably don’t know the complete story as to how all of this went down and even if your father’s ex is partially to blame, there is nothing you can do about it. Your father chose to associate with her. She may have had a horrible childhood. You don’t know her story. She does not deserve any of your energy.

You go and make an excellent life for yourself. These events do not define you. Only you get to do that.

Question 3

Hey Weezy, So I’ve been thinking a lot. And I have a dilemma. I think I’m Bisexual or a lesbian. I am attracted to boys. But lately I have been think a lot about girls and I have kissed a girl once and I think I liked it. I have been having dreams of making out with girls and I am attracted to guys, but I think I like girls too.

My second problem is, is that if I am gay or Bi. Then what do I do? My mom I think would be ok with it, but my dad… He is homophobic. He doesn’t agree with there “life style” If I do figure out that I am gay or Bi. I think that I would wait to tell my parents until I’m a bit older. One I don’t want to get kicked out or get into a huge argument. I want to be able to express who I am. I want to be me. And I don’t know if I can do that around my family. What do I do?

Weezy

You’ve got the right idea. The older and the bigger and the more independent you get, the more freedom you will have to come and go as you please. When you tell your parents, the conversation will have a beginning, a middle and an end. You will say, “I love you. Goodbye.” and you will go to your own home, knowing that you have a ton of people in your world who love and support you no matter how that conversation goes.

I think you also know enough about life to understand that being gay or bi is not “a lifestyle.” It’s just how people are. Like being left handed or being good at music. You will be the one who helps enlighten your father. It will happen.

They say that the lesson will come when the student is ready. You and your father will learn from each other. Right now, enjoy your childhood and finish growing up.

Question 4

Hi I am a 13 year old guy.. school is is gonna be out in one month (May 22) I will be at the pool most of the summer and I really just want to have abs and some muscle. Another question would be how can I do this in one month without having to go to a gym or anything (I have some tiny weights at my house)

Weezy

I know very little about building abs. What I do know is this. Instagram is giving guys the wrong idea about what girls find attractive. A girl is looking for a sweet, friendly, kind, smart, funny nice guy.

It’s great to be healthy. But if you are more interested in lifting your shirt to take an abs selfie then you are in being a good person, that tells a girl that you are more interested in yourself than in her.

You can do sit ups and crunches to build abs, but please don’t overdo it. The right girl is going to love you for you.

Question 5

I like a boy who likes two other girls.  I found out that they don’t like him back.  Should I tell him?  How can I get him to like me instead?

Weezy

You can’t really move that kind of a mountain. Only love and fate can do that. It is up to him to decide who he likes romantically.

If you try too hard to let him know that his crushes don’t return his feelings, he will resent you for being the barer of that news. He may not want to believe you and then he may not trust you or your motives.

However, if you allow him to learn on his own that the other two girls don’t romantically like him and if you let him see for himself that you are the one who is always there for him, his feelings may change. Nobody can promise that this will happen and you’ll need to be ready to move on if you have been in love alone for too long. That will be your call. Right now, be a good friend and continue to show him who you are.

Here’s a good song for your situation by The Dixie Chicks: