by Louise Palanker
I host a safe and friendly teen social network, ios app called Our Place. Each week, thousands of questions pour into the community. Kids share with one another and I personally respond to about 20 questions per day in a teen advice column called Ask Weezy. What are today’s kids thinking about? Here are this week’s top five questions.
Our Place Post: I am a muslim and started wearing a hijab ( scarf ) only a few months ago and it made me feel better about myself. On the bus for the past few months, people started talking about MY RACE and how we are ugly and my RELIGION… how we would bomb something down if we aren’t happy. I always cry in my seat and try to draw no attention to myself . Now I really want to rip my scarf off of my head and never wear it again!
You are being subjected to prejudice and hate speech. This is race bullying. You can report it to your school principal, speak to your parents about it or you can handle it yourself. It will help if you have backup. A friend who is in your corner.
This will take a lot of courage, but it can be done with a little bit of practice. You turn to these bullies and you say, “Muslims believe in peace. Extremists and terrorists come in every religion, shape and color. I am not one. What is sad here is that YOU are behaving more like terrorists than am I. Please respect me here on this bus and I will respect you.”
You can make that speech your own. These kids are ignorant. You can try to take them on or you can report the behavior. You DO NOT deserve to be treated this way. A little bit of understanding goes a long way. Teach them some of it.
I have a friend I like and she’s always in a relationship. Every time she breaks up she goes straight on to the next one. It just keeps repeating and she just gets hurt in the end. Is there anything I can do to help her?
You can tell her that when we repeat an unhealthy pattern this means that we need to stop and do some work on ourselves.
Unless she changes, the boys she chooses won’t change either. Nor will they ever fix the problem. Tell her how much you care about her and that you want her to be happy. And then you just have to remember that you can not walk her path for her. She has to do that.
How do I find my own personal fashion style?
Don’t feel a pressing need to find one. The most important aspect of choosing “a style” is selecting clothes that make you feel like you. Clothes in which you feel comfortable.
If you buy something just because someone else told you it was cool or cute, it will sit in your closet and every time you look at it, something in you will reject it.
You can shop with your mom or with a friend and ask them for their opinions. But you must also feel good about the clothes. Finding your look is a process and you do not have to pick one specific look. One day may be a jeans and sneakers day. The next may be a little vintage/a little sassy.
There are no rules when it comes to fashion, because every year, the rules change. Why not be the one who changes them?
How do I prepare for periods at school? I know its still summer but I NEED to be prepared. Anyway , I started my period a couple weeks ago and I want to know what should I do when I’m at school and I need to change my pad? Like where should I put my pad? I know in the trash but I don’t want it to be noticeable that I’m on my period when other girls walk in the bathroom. And how can I make it quieter when I’m opening my pad? I’m VERY embarrassed about having periods. and what should I do if I have a spot on my pants cause at my school we wear khaki pants and white shirts…
Every girl gets her period, so I know this feels embarrassing (because it is happening in your private area) but it is also part of being a woman and being alive. You are actually pretty lucky that you get to spend your summer adjusting to your period. This will all seem less intimidating when school gets here. If you are embarrassed by the sound of opening the pad, open it before you get to school and roll it up in a paper towel or something. On your heavy flow days, wear a second pair of underwear over the one that is holding the pad in place. This helps prevent accidents.
You can check on your pad between every class. Even if you see that it is not time to change it, that will give you peace of mind. If you see a spot, pull up your pants, go to the sink, put soap and water on a paper towel. Go back into a stall and scrub it out. This will dry within the next half hour.
There should be a little container which serves as a receptacle for used pads and tampons in each stall. If there is not, then you roll the used pad in toilet paper and tuck it into your hand. As you come out to wash your hands, subtly toss that into the wastebasket. You are not the only girl doing this. These are just the little tips and tricks that all women learn to use during that time of the month.
Ever since my brother got a girlfriend (Rose) I feel like it’s my job to keep them together. My brother is four years older than me, but I feel like if I do anything or say anything Rose will be disgusted by it and end their relationship. I know that they’re relationship has nothing to do with me. This is my brothers first serious relationship so I don’t know how to act around his girlfriend. We get along fine but what if Rose all of a sudden gets so annoyed with me about something that she breaks up with my brother!?! He would never forgive me! I know I’m just being paranoid but I need advice!
I wouldn’t use the word “paranoid,” but I would ask you what may have led you to believe that Rose’s love for your brother is contingent upon your behavior? Have you been made to feel, in your household, that what you say and do has an effect on love? Does love feel conditional to you? If that has been happening, then I am so sorry. It’s not fair and it’s not realistic.
Flip it around. If you loved a boy and his sister was a wild, little hellion, would you love the boy less? With no offense intended, you are giving yourself far too much power in your brother’s life. He and his girlfriend are fully capable of loving or not loving each other based on a billion factors that do not include you.
Get to know Rose and be kind to her, just because it’s the right thing to do and because she will enrich your life, but you are neither their glue nor their dissolvent. You have no power to either pull them apart or hold them together.
Ask Weezy Teen Advice
by Louise Palanker
Cover Art by Elenja
I host a safe and friendly teen social network, ios app called Our Place. Each week, thousands of questions pour into the community. Kids share with one another and I personally respond to about 20 questions per day in a teen advice column called Ask Weezy. Here are this week’s top five questions.
Im scared of having sex, I’ve been friends with benefits with my best guy friend and we are both virgins and he thinks we should take things to the next level. But I’m scared.
Do not do this. It’s a mistake. Your friend wants to have sex. That is not enough of a reason for YOU to have sex. This is not playing tennis. It is something very special that should be shared by two people in love.
My guess is that you care for him very deeply but the “friends with benefits” deal is not one which works out well for the girl. We women tend to love very deeply. We agree to that deal because we hope that it will lead to love. It rarely does. Let a guy love you before he gets to share your body with you. It’s you’re body. Tell him, no.
Help! I don’t know what to do! My Best friend shares everything in common with me, we tell secrets and agree on everything, but this summer she left me for someone else and I don’t know what to do. There is nobody that is as much like me as her! What should I do?
You do not know that there is nobody else like you. There are a ton of people in this world who are a lot like you. If your friend is off on her own path this summer, then take that as a message that you too are supposed to go find your adventure.
We can get too comfortable with our usual routine. Your friend just shook things up for you. Go see what and who is out there waiting to be discovered.
What does it mean when a guy says he loves talking to you? I have been talking to this one guy 24/7 this whole week legit.. We have talked about my past relationships and we flirt text! And I he said that I was his “woman crush” Wednesday. Does he like me??
You get to ask the guy what it means. He says that he loves talking with you and the two of you have been texting 24/7, (which in my opinion is not healthy) but it is a significant chunk of your life and if you would like it to mean something, then you need to ask for that.
Texting a person all day long eats away at your day, pulls you out of your real life relationships and it still leaves you wondering what it all means. That’s because this is empty communication. There is no substance. It gets both of your hearts racing but we don’t know to what end.
So, say something meaningful to the boy, like “When can we hang out?” “I think I like you as more than a friend.” That type of thing. He’s getting this much of your time. He needs to give you an answer.
Weezy…I’m starting to hate guys and not trust trust anyone. This boy named Josh started giving me hugs but then also touching my breast.
So, I started texting him saying that I did not like what he was doing. He kept asking me if I like him and I said, “I don’t know. So today he gave me hugs but then touched my butt. People saw us in the hallway thinking that we go out but we don’t.
My friend said not to go out with him because he is a hoe. Then my friends starting running their mouths to each other about me and him. I do not want them talking about me!!
One friend told me that Josh has a girlfriend and he’s touching me like we go out.
AND WHAT MADE ME SO MAD WAS WHEN JOSH SAID I HAVE A FLAT BUTT. I was like don’t f*** with me no more because he’s a hoe! I’m sorry for my language. But that pissed me off, I know I have no butt and he pointed that out. I was about to burst into tears, because I have no butt. Is there a way to get a butt? And a way to gain weight because I’m really skinny.
Wow, your question is all over the road. Let’s start by focussing on what matters. You deserve to be treated with respect. You must ask people to treat you with respect. Don’t text a request for respect. Say it. And say it in a way that allows you to respect yourself. “Excuse me. Take your hand off of me.” Then you stop hugging this boy. He has shown you who he is. Believe it. He does not get to know you or be around you.
It should not matter if you tell a friend and she tells a friend that this boy has no respect for girls and women. That is the truth. That is what happened. Do not call him names. There is no need for that. But you can say, “He’s not a gentleman.” That is it. Then move on.
Now, since we have established that he is not a gentleman and that he does not deserve your time, please tell me why his opinion should matter to you? I do not know how to change the shape of your body. I do know that you are beautiful as you are. Believe that and walk through the world with the confidence of a woman who loves herself. You have been created and therefore, you have a right to a voice and to your dignity. Ask for it and make no apologies for being your own true self.
My boyfriend wants to see five movies with his ex , he says they’re just friends and that she has moved on. He says he is with me so nothing will happen but I can’t help but be jealous. I want him to be happy and spend time with his friends but it’s hard for me not to get jealous. What should I do? (also he still has little feelings for her)
My view is that he does not get to do this if he wants to remain in a relationship with you. He can maybe go to the movies in a group of people but it is a really fine line.
If there is one activity that is considered “a date,” it is taking a girl to the movies. He can take a walk or go to Starbucks or sit on swings in the park and talk, but no movies. For that, he needs to be single.
And you should figure out where his head is at and what you want, because if he still has feelings for her and has the nerve to specifically ask to see FIVE movies with her, then that means that he is undecided. Therefore, you must determine if he is the person you want to be dating.
Teen Advice by Louise Palanker
I host a safe and friendly teen social network, ios app called Our Place. Each week, thousands of questions pour into the community. Kids share with one another and I personally respond to about 20 questions per day in a column called Ask Weezy. What are today’s kids thinking about? Here are this week’s top five questions.
Ok. My best friend and I recently told each other that we like each other. We know that we feel the same way about each other. The slight problem is that if we date and we end up having a bad break up, it might mess up our friendship. And our friendship is so good. Is there a way we can work it out?
No. There are no shortcuts around tough issues. With great risk comes great reward. What also comes is risk. But here is the way I look at it. In life, we must pay attention to the truth. Let it surface and look at. Say, “Hey truth. I see you. I acknowledge you and I will deal with you, come what may. Whenever you try to stuff down that truth, it festers and does all kinds of damage.
Let’s lay out some predicted outcomes based on your truth: The truth is that you like each other. So,
Scenario Number 1)
Ignoring that you like each other as more than friends in an effort to maintain your friendship. Well, it’s a lie that asks you to pretend something is not happening. So, in an effort to maintain your “friendship” you will both probably want to date others at some point. Those others will not tolerate this “friendship.” You will have now involved innocent people. You will not be with the one you truly love and you will be hurting each other and the people you are trying to date.
Taking this a step further, if one or both of you marry these other people, this will compound the problem and the number of innocents involved. Attempting to remain “just friends” may result in your loosing both the friendship and the romance and living your entire lives longing for each other and regretting your decision to remain “friends.” (Goggle Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles)
Scenario number 2)
You accept that you like each other as more than friends. You are both terrified, but you take this friendship up a notch to dating. It may work out. It may not But you will both get to experience a romantic adventure with a loving partner and for as long as it lasts, you will be learning from and growing with each other. This person may be the great love of your lifetime. Who is to say? If it does not last romantically and you loose the friendship, well, you lived your truths and you left an indelible mark on each other’s hearts. I vote for choice number 2. Live your truth.
How do I ask my friend’s mom for feminine products? For the summer I’m staying over my friend’s house while my parents are out of town. Today I just started my period , I always kept a pad with me just in case it started cause I was told by my mom that I would start soon. Anyway, I only had one pad and I need more. IM SOO SCARED. I don’t know why, but it’s embarrassing ..my friend started hers so did her sister but I’m scared to ask any of them. btw its all girls in my friend’s household..
The only embarrassment should be the embarrassment of riches in feminine products which inhabit that house. Ask your friend to ask her mom. There are loads of pads in any house full of females. The supplies you need are just a couple of steps away.
I know it feels embarrassing but it is actually very expected. Turn to your friend right this moment and say, “Aunt Flo just arrived and I need supplies.” Do it right now. Before you finish reading this post. Just look up and say that sentence, out loud…. OK, go ahead and whisper it….
Good for you. Now that’s done and somebody is going to get you pads. Have a great summer.
I talk to a pervert and I regret everything. He asked me where I live. I said a state that’s far away from where I actually live. I told him a fake age, and my real first name. I also sent him a picture of me and my older sister. I made youtube videos then he messaged me on kik and we became closer. He complimented me and then asked for naked pictures. I sent him one but I wasn’t naked it was just my bum.
Our conversations usually always tend to have sexual stuff in them.. I don’t reply back sexually. I’ll try to change the subject.. He sent me a picture of him and he told me he was 26 but he looks older. I told him he looks like a rapist. He said, “I always point out the best in you, and you always point out the worst in me.” Please don’t tell me to tell my parents or the police.
Respectfully, please don’t tell me what to tell you. This guy has an unhealthy, sexual interest in children, meaning, he is a pedophile. In speaking with you sexually online and requesting photos, he is breaking the law and he is dangerous.
Any child who posts content online and enters into a private conversations with a stranger is likely to run into somebody like this guy. The communication will begin with compliments and sharing how much you have in common. As he earns your trust and draws you in, he will begin to turn the conversation sexual. By this point, it is hard for the child to pull away because you may even believe that you are a little bit in love with him and that he values and understands you fully and completely.
This is how he operates. This is what he does. He’s been doing it for a long time and to a lot of children. He is probably not in his 20s and he probably is lying to you about any number of facts. He is probably speaking to a lot of girls and the moment he has enough information about you, he will be arranging to meet you. If you are too wise to allow for that rendezvous, another lonely girl somewhere is not. She will fall into his trap. You need to cease all contact with him. He is manipulating your mind.
STOP TALKING TO HIM. Tell your parents, call a helpline and call the police.
Hi Weezy! This boy that I really like asked me for a picture of my boobs. I said no. He said he understood. Should I back away from him or is it ok for me to still like him? I told him I thought we had something together and he didn’t answer. He must have left because it made him uncomfortable… I just dunno.
No. He left because you did not give him what he wanted. The only thing you have that he wants is your body. If anything else were the case he would be treating you with respect and trying to learn more about the person that is you. He would not be disrespecting you by
a) asking you to do something crass and humiliating and
b) asking you to do something that lives on the internet forever.
You may be thinking, “But nobody will know they are my breasts.” YOU will know. You will know that you did this in the hope that on the other side of this exchange would lie love. You would then learn the hard way that quite the opposite is true. On the other side of this exchange lies you hurt and feeling used, vulnerable and exposed. You will never know how many people were forwarded that photo.
Has this boy stopped talking to you because he felt “uncomfortable?” I hope so, but I doubt it. He’s gone because you are a young lady with dignity and self esteem. He is off to prey upon girls who have yet to embrace these qualities. He is doing so because he has no dignity or respect for himself or others. He has a long way to go to catch up to you. Please look for love in the eyes of somebody who is not afraid to really see YOU.
Last year this guy (my neighbor) and I hung out all summer. I began to like him and then he tells me that he’s going to my school and will be in my grade. I was really happy. He was flirting with me and making my crush bigger.
But then when school started, he talked to me less. After a month of this I decided to just stop taking to him and a week later he noticed and asked me why I wasn’t talking to him and I said I don’t know and walked away.
I have ignored him (and he has ignored me also) for like 8 months now and I miss talking to him. How do I get him to talk to me again?
You gave him a false answer. You do know why you weren’t talking to him but you claimed that you didn’t. You had made your point. He noticed, and when he asked you why you hadn’t spoken to him, the productive answer would have been, “I know. I miss you. What’s been happening? Catch me up.” This would have invited conversation. Instead, you shut him down.
This sort of pattern tends to repeat itself between men and women so pay careful attention to what you did right and what you could do better.
A guy who likes you will definitely notice if you start ignoring him. And, when he notices, you may still be hurt and angry and you may be hoping that he says EVERYTHING you need to hear that will make you feel appreciated once again. Well, he won’t say everything. You need to steer that conversation.
He may say something, which is what you got. But if you make him feel badly for saying something, he’ll lick his wounds and walk away.
If, on the other hand, you say something inviting and he starts talking to you again, when the moment is right, you can then say, “Hey, I felt kind of hurt when you started school and it seemed like you were too busy for me.”
That is your truth. That is what happened. Don’t expect guys to know exactly what you are feeling. They don’t know unless you tell them. And in order to tell them, you need to pleasantly re-open conversation.
So, here we are eight months later and you now have some work to do. Walk up to him and say, “I miss talking to you. What’s been going on?” If he is open to that, then down the line, you can tell him the truth about why you shut down.
by Louise Palanker
I host a safe and friendly teen social network, ios app called Our Place. Each week, thousands of questions pour into the community. Kids share with one another and I personally respond to about 20 questions per day in a teen advice column called Ask Weezy. What are today’s kids thinking about? Here are this week’s top five questions.
Why is my sister like this? Why does she hate me so much? She loves staring at me, like at my stomach because I have a belly. She’s fatter than me and she has clothes that she can’t fit into anymore, so she gave them to me but every time I put them on she wants them back. She love pointing out my flaws. Cursing me out and embarrassing me in front of others. Why is this?
You can turn this ship around. Compliment her and mean it. Laugh at her jokes. Tell her that she is good at something. Tell her she looks cute in that outfit, etc. etc.
This is sibling rivalry, plain and simple. As long as you take part, it will continue to escalate. Your sister is insecure and she is consciously or subconsciously knocking you down a peg and measuring herself against you.
Life will not work well for her if she persists. We all do better and feel better when we lift each other up. Show her how this is done. Lift her up.
OK, I’m a sl*t cause I have crushes? Oh wow. well. I’ll be honest here I have a crush on a kid and I made some sexual jokes to let him know why I like him. But I did it in front of my brother.
Whenever I do something bad my dad gives me a certain look, so I believe my bro told him what I said. But my brother actually did something worse. If he told on me, do you think I should tell on him?
Also, my friend is about to reveal a secret but I know stuff about her. Should I tell it before she says something about me?
If your brother has put himself or others in danger, you should tell an adult. But not as revenge. Simply because it’s the right thing to do.
You are off and running down some dangerous roads and you need to do a serious re-boot on your approach to life.
We all need to be loved and appreciated. Saying sexual things will get you immediate attention but the kickback will be harsh and sometimes permanent.
If you want a boy to like you, appreciate in him what he appreciates in himself. Compliment him. Smile at him. Make him laugh. Listen to him when he talks.
Anything sexual can and should wait until you are over the age of 18 and in a serious relationship with love at its foundation.
On to the next part of your question. It sounds to me like you may be seeking the wrong kind of attention because none of the kids in your family are getting enough of the right kinds of attention.
Another person’s nasty behavior will never justify your own.
You can not control what others do. You can not stop people by using threats, coercion, or fear tactics.
Own your own actions and do not follow a wrong with another wrong. That just heaps garbage on garbage.
I hate the Sl… word. It’s not nice. It’s not kind and it never addresses the root cause of a behavior. It just adds shame to the situation.
You are not that word, nor will you ever be. But I want you to do a lot of thinking about the person inside of you. Who is she? What are her goals, dreams, talents, aspirations? What IS her potential?
It is your job to stop behaving in ways that make you sad and to start becoming a person who will make YOU proud.
Hi so I’m going to this outdoor science camp for school for 5 days and I got my period. I’m freaking out and I’m so worried and I need help!! What do I do!??? We will be on a 3 hour drive and be hiking ALL day long everyday .
As you grow older, you will learn how to do just about anything while on your period. Is it inconvenient? Yes. Can you handle it? Yes.
If you are very young, say 11, 12 or 13, it is perfectly acceptable to let a female supervisor know that you have your period so that she can subtly plan bathroom breaks for everyone.
Trust me. Women help girls with this issue. The reason you know nothing about it is that we do it very discretely.
The women in your world simply need to be informed. That is all it will take.
You will be just fine.
I feel like there’s an empty place in my heart like I lost something. I feel pain in my heart now. So I was in the school drama club and we just had our last show. This was my last year at the school and all the graduates were crying when we finished the show.
I miss the people, the rehearsals, the shows and it just hurts me to think that it’s over. I feel actual pain from the loss. It’s a withdrawal for me. I can never do it again. That’s it. It’s over. I had great experiences there my 3 years of middle school but I need advice on moving on. Please don’t Say to find a new club because nothing will ever be the same. Thanks
No, nothing else will ever be the same. The only thing that ever stays the same is that things will continue to change.
The good news here is that you are sad. It means that you had a fantastic experience which is now on its way to becoming a cherished memory. So, cry. You should.
Then give yourself something to look forward to and start thinking about all of the adventures that await you in the high school drama program.
I have to tell you to join a new club. Because even if I didn’t, you would still know that you must. This is what you love to do. Continue. It won’t be the same. It will be a new kind of wonderful. You just learned the steps. Keep dancing.
Hey weezy ! (: Okay, my friends are always bugging me about this one guy that likes me, I don’t like him so I told them to stop, but they won’t listen. What do I do?
Halt other activities and conversations. Make direct eye contact and say, “This really bothers me and makes me uncomfortable. Please respect me and this boy. Just stop.”
by Louise Palanker
I host a safe and friendly teen social network, ios app called Our Place. Each week, thousands of questions pour into the community. Kids share with one another and I respond to about 20 questions per day in a teen advice column called Ask Weezy. What are today’s kids thinking about? Here are this week’s top five questions.
Sometimes the guys I think are cute and like flirt with my friends right in front of me and it makes me so jealous because I don’t think I’m not as pretty as them. I end up doing something stupid and really mean that I regret and I don’t know how to stop.
The answer is learning to see the beauty of your own soul with your own heart and mind, rather than looking for it reflected in somebody else’s eyes. Love is not a competition. It’s collaborative. It is not endangered. it is abundant.
A boy flirting with another girl takes nothing away from you. It is its own isolated dynamic. It has nothing to do with you. That very girl who currently feels like a threat may grow up to become the doctor who saves your life. You can not spend your day looking at others with envy and disdain. They are humans, just like you. They have love to give and they need love in return. The boy who is meant to be your forever guy is out there.
The more loving you are to EVERYBODY the more attracted he will be to you. Show the world your most giving spirit and that love will be returned to you. Once you put healthy energy patterns in motion, you will be amazed.
You can’t have every guy. You don’t want every guy. At this point in your life, it’s time to let the flirting fall where it may. Look at it this way: Only when you stop being mean will real love have an opportunity to find you.
I don’t know how to explain this but I have an eating disorder and I don’t feel I am deserving of treatment. There are so many more worse problems in the world than an ED. I feel like an awful person because there are starving people in the world who don’t get to pick if they eat or not and here I am not eating or, if I do eat, vomiting it up.
I feel like I am so selfish and an awful person for doing this.. Am I selfish? How can I stop this? And if I get help it will go on my record and I wanna go into the navy. They may not let me in if I have a mental illness…
An eating disorder is not a badge if shame. Nor is any emotional or mental condition. It’s like a broken arm. It just is and it needs to be fixed. I don’t mean to be harsh but you must stop coming up with reasons not to seek treatment.
Eating disorders are not judged. They are understood and they are healed. Until you do that you will not be strong enough to join the Navy. You can not serve your country until you are healthy.
At present, your priority is your disease, and until that is cleared up, you are not being loyal to your true self. You can call any Navy recruitment office and learn about their policies regarding eating disorders. Certainly, you would be asked about this during your physical and it will be against the law to lie.
No matter what you choose to do with your life, you won’t be able to get there while you are still inside this disease. So, first get treatment. Get well. And then begin to formulate what you would like to do with your healthy and whole life.
Hey! My biggest crush asked out my friend and she said yes! I’m really mad at her for saying yes. She said she has liked him for a long time! But I love him! I have liked him longer than she has because I have loved him since kindergarden! What do I do!
You may like him a whole lot more than she does but he gets to decide who he likes romantically. I know that is hard to hear.
If it’s a deal breaker between you and your friend, let her know, as delicately as possible. You can say, “It will just hurt my heart to see you two together, so I am going to have to take a step back as your friend, while I get over him.”
Or you can cry for a couple of days, then come up for air and accept this. It’s such a gray area. Part of me believes that you can’t lay claim to a boy. The other part of me says, she probably should have put her friendship with you first. But it’s impossible to know how much she cares for him and we can’t make this decision for her.
One thing I will tell you is that if you ask a friend to choose between you and love, they will usually choose love. Even if they live to regret that choice. Love is powerful that way.
Your friendship is more important than this boy. But when you are in the middle of this sort of struggle, it sure doesn’t feel that way. So, don’t say anything you can not take back. You have every right to feel hurt and angry. But think before you speak and then choose words that will allow you to one day retrieve this friendship.
This morning, I looked at my belly in the mirror. I haven’t done this in months, because I hate the way it looks. I go to my doctor once a year, I’m a healthy weight. He never says anything bad. But I feel fat because I saw my stomach moving around. Now, when I walk, I think about it, and can feel it jiggling slightly.
I always exercise and have a decent diet. It’s just the way I look. How do I learn to accept it?
You tell yourself that this is the way you look and this is the way people look. This is your body. Designed and engineered to go the distance. It is here to serve you and you will pilot your body through this life you have been given.
Would you stand outside a car and stare at it and judge the fender? Why does it stick out like that?!
To protect your car.
Now get into the car and go.
A woman’s body comes with curves. That’s how she is built. Stop judging your body and go share the spirit of your being with the world.
My dad is very unpredictable. He yells at us kids and at the dogs. He scares us. I know he had a bad childhood. But last night he was screaming at our older dog and she was shaking. I ran to my room and that just upset my dad. He saw my scared face so he screamed, “I would never hurt the dog and then he was swearing and he slammed my door.
Later I saw him on the couch comforting the little dog and being affectionate. I just went to my room crying.
I want to have a close relationship with my father but I can’t trust him. I also know he will not seek professional help. I just don’t know what to do. He ruins my moods. I was having a great day today until all of this happened. Do you have advice?
If he will not seek professional help the quality of his life will continue to be compromised. You should ask your mom if the rest of the family can go to therapy so that you can learn how to better deal with a father who is so unpredictable and frightening.
He was scaring, not just you kids, but also the animals. When you see him giving all that love to his little dog, it’s because that dog will bounce right back to being affectionate towards him far more quickly than will a child.
A child needs love, compassion, conversation, renewed trust, time to heal, etc. Look how frustrated he became when your face revealed your fear. You were still very upset.
What does he do? He slams your door and stomps off??? Sorry, no. That is not OK with children. But who is back in his lap within moments and ready to forget that anything ever happened? His dog.
Your father loves you, fully and completely. He just does not know what to do with himself when he gets all wound up. He has no healthy place to throw all of that negative energy.
He’s not angry with you. He’s angry with himself. You can write him a note, telling him how frightened you get. You can give your mom a copy of that note and you can request that you see a therapist to talk about your fears surrounding your father’s unpredictable behavior.
Image by: OzMilkshakes from DeviantArt.com
by Louise Palanker
I host a teen advice driven social network called Our Place. Here are this week’s highlights.
How do I accept that I am ugly ? I try my hardest to look pretty. I did my hair a different way, changed my style a bit, makeup, etc but nothing works. I just want to be pretty like other girls. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep, looking in the mirror and just crying, etc.
I’m not even sure if any guys like me. They look at me and that’s it. For example : the same guy may look at me over and over but doesn’t talk to me or approach me. He may be looking at me over and over wondering why I’m so ugly because where I live about 99% of girls are pretty.
I’m so sick of everything. I isolate myself from mostly everyone my age cause I can’t get along with any of them. They always say negative things and nothing positive. It hurts so bad…. Okay! The problem is that I don’t want to cry because of my ugliness. How do I accept I’m ugly?
You are not ugly. Let’s put that first and foremost. Next, most girls your age do not feel great about their looks. And most importantly YOU are not your appearance. Wouldn’t it be sad if that’s all we were? The way we look? Nothing more?
Appearance does play a part in how we initially react to another human being. That is built into the core of our instincts. But then our brain must take the rest of the journey.
If you had to make a list of the ten most important and influential people in the history of time, your list would probably have NOTHING to do with appearance. I know mine wouldn’t. My list would go something like this:
Martin Luther King
Thomas Jefferson (OK, he’s kind of cute)
Harriet Beecher Stowe
Susan B. Anthony
All of these people are beautiful. When you allow yourself to feel this much pain over the way you look, you are not giving yourself enough credit for the actual person that is you. Please stop looking in the mirror and start looking out into the world. The question is not, “What do you look like?” It is, “What are you going to do with the life you have been given?”
I’m scared to do what I love the most in my own house. Drawing. Cause my dad comes up to my room and gets mad at me for not studying. I have really good grades already but he doesn’t think it’s enough. Art is my outlet. He even knows. I talked to him & he says he cares but he actually doesn’t. He won’t listen.
Think about what your dad values. What does he do to unwind? Then compare your drawing to that. Say, “Dad, this is what replenishes me. It will help me study harder and do better. I need this. Please trust my judgement. I know when to study and when to give myself a well needed break.”
You have heard the word, “recreate.” If you break that word down, it says “re-create.” We, as humans do not do well if we do not have a chance to re-create our energy. Explain this to him from that perspective. Try to get your mom to help you do this.
Hey weezy… So I was wondering if this was a good idea? So I really like this girl (we’re both lesbian) and I know she likes me (at least as a friend I guess) and I was wondering if it is ok for another friend to tell her that I like her… Cos I really can’t myself and I’m scared if she doesn’t know she’ll find someone else even though she probably likes someone else anyway… Do you think her finding out I like her would ruin our friendship??
It may ruin your friendship or it may not. But liking a friend is exactly the same whether you are straight or gay.
Once you have feelings, the friendship is already ruined. It is now out of balance. You like the person romantically. That person may still like you as only a friend. Meaning, the two of you have different agendas. That’s not going to be healthy, moving forward.
She deserves to know your truth. Once that is revealed she will have the information she needs to make her next decision. Without clarity, your “friendship” limps along. You want more. She’s not sure why you are so easily hurt by this or that. You interpret everything she says or does through a filter of hope that it means something. She can’t understand why you don’t want her talking to some other girl.
Once she knows that you like her, everything makes more sense. Will this harm your “friendship?” Your friendship was “harmed” the moment you began wanting more.
Let your other friend carry the truth to your crush and then deal with the consequences. I know it’s scary but this is what needs to happen.
We’ll this guy has been embarrassing me at school because he thinks I like this other guy. I was just being friendly to the guy but I do kinda like him but i don’t know. These two kids are friends so whenever I text the guy I like, “hey :)” the other guys sees it and he is just mean at school. In front of everybody he says still liking (boys name)? and then he laughs. I’m afraid everyone will hear and I need advice on how to overcome it and not be scared. Please help.
You can look right back at him and say, “You’ll never know.” or, “What if a do?” Or, very sarcastically, “Oh, my gosh. A girl may like a boy. Alert the media.” Honestly, nobody has a right to tease anyone over a crush because we all get them.
I’m 12 and this guy is in his 20’s. I met him from youtube though he didn’t post videos. I did. He was the first guy I ever really liked. We had nice conversations. Didn’t talk about sex or anything. We act/think just alike. I can’t explain it, but I really did like him until one day i stopped talking to him. He then deleted all his social networks.., He also helped me out with my suicidal thoughts. I stopped talking to him because my parents fussed at me. I don’t think he’s a pervert. He never said anything sexual. But he runs though my mind everyday ..
It is completely normal for a 12 year old to have a crush on a 20 something year old. But your parents have every right to be concerned about your talking with this man online. It just sounds shady. It may not have been and he may be just fine. But it is still very dangerous.
When a man goes out of his way to contact a 12 year old online, his motives will always be questioned. If you knew him in real life and he were a teacher or a youth pastor or a mentor, it would be much more acceptable.
Online connections can so easily lead to inappropriate language and suggestions. This is why the internet is full of predators and pedophiles. They can very easily speak to you away from your parents. They start by being your best friend and being there for you and completely understanding you. Then it becomes sexual very quickly.
Ask Weezy – Bi Confused
by Louise Palanker
I host a safe and friendly teen social network called Our Place. Each week, thousands of questions pour into the community. Kids share with one another and I respond to about 20 questions per day in a teen advice column called Ask Weezy. What are today’s kids thinking about? Here are this week’s top five questions.
What does it mean to be bi? Is it liking both sexes?
There is a lot of different terminology to describe one’s sexual preference and gender orientation. If you were to google LGBTQ, you would find more accurate descriptions of Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgender, and Queer.
And there are new words, probably created through internet connectivity which even better describe how various people feel about themselves. Terms like Gender Fluid and Pansexual. I don’t fully understand all of these words. I don’t know why there is a separate word for Lesbian and Gay. I don’t know the difference between Queer and Gay.
You may go to France, or Mexico and find different definitions of any of these words in different languages. So, having given you this disclaimer, my understanding is that a Bi-Sexual is somebody who is attracted to both sexes. Somebody who could be in love with a woman one year and then break up with that woman to find herself falling in love with a man.
But I invite anybody to step in and clarify. These terms are ever changing. The bottom line is that there is no correct way to be or to feel. Whomever you love, whatever gender you claim and however you choose to define yourself is up to you.
Ok so i really like this guy and he says he likes me to. He isn’t allowed to date and I respect that and understand. We are best friends and we skype all the time and talk 24/7. We planed to go to the movies with a group of friends and his mum looked at his messages and saw how close we are and she said he isn’t allowed to talk to me anymore.
I’m crushed and so upset I cant talk to my best friend. He promised he wouldn’t leave me but we haven’t talked since. I am sad all the time and feel like crying and it is killing me I don’t know what to do!. I miss him so much what should i do ? Fight for him or give up?? And how?? Please help me.
I don’t know your ages but it is never healthy for anyone to talk 24/7 with another person. Whether it’s face to face or through text or Skype or Chat.
Maybe you are exaggerating to help me understand how close you are. But just because today’s technology allows two people to stay in constant communication does not mean that they should.
You both need to be present for the people who are present. You both need time with your own thoughts. You both need a chance to think about the other person and miss the other person. And most importantly, you both need to figure out who you are individually. That can’t happen when you are in what I call The Constant Conversation.
His mother may have overreacted. She may have felt like he was going behind her back and breaking a rule.
Would it help to have your mom speak to his mom? Explain that you are really good friends but that you fully understand that he is not allowed to date. You have been respecting that rule.
“Fight” is the wrong word. “Explain” and “discuss” are better words.
Hey Weezy I need your help. My parents have been arguing a lot. And it’s all because my dad has been drinking. I feel that it’s affecting him a lot. He’s been drinking a lot. And has been having a bad temper and even made my mom cry. My mom always tells him to stop but then he insults her and my mom insults him back and it turns into a huge argument. It disappoints me to see my dad drunk. I told him before and he doesn’t listen to me. I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s become a constant thing. Me and my mom can’t take it anymore. Help.
You and your mom should visit the Al-Anon web site and find a meeting near you: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org You are dealing with a person who is sick. He is no longer speaking to you. It’s the alcohol that is doing all the talking. I know that it hurts to feel like he won’t stop drinking for you. But it is actually far more complicated than that. Please go find a meeting and learn more about what you can do to help yourselves and your family.
Ok I need some help so there is this girl I thought was cute. I became friends with her and told her I though she was kinda cute, then it turned into a mess. She started telling me she loved me. I’m 14 and I think I’m to young to date. Then she started telling me what she’d do with me and it creeped me out.
She started talking about marriage and moving in. She’s really nice but if I tell her I don’t want this I’m afraid shell commit suicide. I have noticed her cuts and she has attempted suicide many times but she says I’m making her better. She’s starting to creep me out she tells me shell strip for me and do stuff like that. I’m 14!!!! Help what should I do? I don’t want this.
This is too much for you and your instincts are correct. You can not fix her. She’s in a lot of pain. Back away. When she says something inappropriate, you can say, “Too much, too soon. We’re only 14.”
This girl needs love and attention and she has a flawed perception of how best to meet these needs. If she puts pressure on you to be the reason she does not harm herself, say, “I can’t accept that level of responsibility. I’m a kid and you need help from a therapist.”
If she persists, bring an anonymous note to the guidance counselor at your school or tell your parents about the problem. This kid is on a fast path to getting herself into a lot of trouble. It is not your job to stop her, but you can let her know that being sexual, inappropriate and desperate is not going to work with you. While doing so, urge her to seek professional help.
Is 12 too young to wear pushup bra’s? I’m 12 and my mom bought me about 3 pushup bra’s and I want to wear them so what age do you think is right for pre-teens/teens to wear them?
I don’t think I understand why your mom bought push up bras for a 12-year-old. The idea behind a push up bra is to accentuate the bust line. Why would a 12-year-old want or need that?
So, first let’s make sure that you understand what a push up bra looks like and maybe you can start by asking your mom why she purchased these bras for you. It’s an awkward topic to discuss with your mom but for the next six years, she is going to have a big say in the underwear purchased for you, so start the conversation.
By push up bra, do you simply mean a bra with cups? When you move from a training bra to a cup bra depends not on your age but on the size of your breasts. If you can feel your breasts moving when you run, it’s time for more security.
Every body is different. Every girl and woman needs to figure out for herself what looks good and feels good. The classic definition of a push up bra is a bra that will lift up and push together your breasts. This is neither healthy nor comfortable. I would say, never wear one, but for an adult, that would be her choice. For a child? Just, no.
by Louise Palanker
Cover Image by CarrieLynn18
I host a safe and friendly teen social network, ios app called Our Place. Each week, thousands of questions pour into the community. Kids share with one another and I respond to about 20 questions per day in a teen advice column called Ask Weezy. What are today’s kids thinking about? Here are this week’s top five questions:
I’m struggling with my weight and appearance. I’m 12 and I have fat thighs, a big belly, long feet and I’m tall. I look at other girls my age and they have skinny thighs , a skinny stomach, small feet and they’re short.
I notice that the girls I just described are the only girls guys find attractive. They don’t like the girls who are the same height as them and almost fat.
I’m ugly. I try my hardest to look pretty. I TRY my hardest to loose weight but I always forgot I’m on a diet. I’m 130 .. The cute girls wear tight jeans, crop tops, and stylish shoes while I have to wear big shirts and jeans. I’m forced to do so. How can i be like them?
I understand that you believe you want to be like those girls. But are you really looking at every girl? Because, when I look around, I see people of all different shapes and sizes and nobody has dibs on all the boys.
The older you grow, the more fine tuned people get with their tastes in absolutely everything… including love.
There is a guy at your school… at least one guy, maybe more… who is also insecure about himself and he is wondering why you don’t look at him.
So, you may be thinking, “Well, I don’t want that guy.” But, do you know him? Do you know how cute he is going to be in about a year? Do you know how much you have in common?
My point is, you need to go easier on yourself and on everybody else. It is so easy to assume that the skinny girls are happier than you. They are not. They are just really good at pretending they are. Everybody your age is insecure. YOU are not a body or a shape or a face. Who are you????? It’s your job to figure that out and to fall in love with that wonderful person.
I need your advice.. What do I do? My father is in prison and I’m holding a grudge against his ex. She put him there because she did things to make him do things.. What exactly should I do?
I am so very sorry that you are facing this situation. However, it serves nobody to blame your father’s ex and cast her as the bad guy in this scenario. I know it’s easier to hate her than to hate your father. You don’t have to hate anybody. It’s just adults behaving badly and making poor decisions.
Nobody forced your father to do anything. You probably don’t know the complete story as to how all of this went down and even if your father’s ex is partially to blame, there is nothing you can do about it. Your father chose to associate with her. She may have had a horrible childhood. You don’t know her story. She does not deserve any of your energy.
You go and make an excellent life for yourself. These events do not define you. Only you get to do that.
Hey Weezy, So I’ve been thinking a lot. And I have a dilemma. I think I’m Bisexual or a lesbian. I am attracted to boys. But lately I have been think a lot about girls and I have kissed a girl once and I think I liked it. I have been having dreams of making out with girls and I am attracted to guys, but I think I like girls too.
My second problem is, is that if I am gay or Bi. Then what do I do? My mom I think would be ok with it, but my dad… He is homophobic. He doesn’t agree with there “life style” If I do figure out that I am gay or Bi. I think that I would wait to tell my parents until I’m a bit older. One I don’t want to get kicked out or get into a huge argument. I want to be able to express who I am. I want to be me. And I don’t know if I can do that around my family. What do I do?
You’ve got the right idea. The older and the bigger and the more independent you get, the more freedom you will have to come and go as you please. When you tell your parents, the conversation will have a beginning, a middle and an end. You will say, “I love you. Goodbye.” and you will go to your own home, knowing that you have a ton of people in your world who love and support you no matter how that conversation goes.
I think you also know enough about life to understand that being gay or bi is not “a lifestyle.” It’s just how people are. Like being left handed or being good at music. You will be the one who helps enlighten your father. It will happen.
They say that the lesson will come when the student is ready. You and your father will learn from each other. Right now, enjoy your childhood and finish growing up.
Hi I am a 13 year old guy.. school is is gonna be out in one month (May 22) I will be at the pool most of the summer and I really just want to have abs and some muscle. Another question would be how can I do this in one month without having to go to a gym or anything (I have some tiny weights at my house)
I know very little about building abs. What I do know is this. Instagram is giving guys the wrong idea about what girls find attractive. A girl is looking for a sweet, friendly, kind, smart, funny nice guy.
It’s great to be healthy. But if you are more interested in lifting your shirt to take an abs selfie then you are in being a good person, that tells a girl that you are more interested in yourself than in her.
You can do sit ups and crunches to build abs, but please don’t overdo it. The right girl is going to love you for you.
I like a boy who likes two other girls. I found out that they don’t like him back. Should I tell him? How can I get him to like me instead?
You can’t really move that kind of a mountain. Only love and fate can do that. It is up to him to decide who he likes romantically.
If you try too hard to let him know that his crushes don’t return his feelings, he will resent you for being the barer of that news. He may not want to believe you and then he may not trust you or your motives.
However, if you allow him to learn on his own that the other two girls don’t romantically like him and if you let him see for himself that you are the one who is always there for him, his feelings may change. Nobody can promise that this will happen and you’ll need to be ready to move on if you have been in love alone for too long. That will be your call. Right now, be a good friend and continue to show him who you are.